Drugs, Smoking, Drinking and past memories; they’re all the same, they can kill you from the inside.

Past memories burned into your mind can remind you of your least proudest moments by letting you play them over and over again, wrecking yourself through thoughts of “Oh I should have said this” or “I should have done that”. 

Reliving those past memories day in and day out is a trap, yet before you know it you’ve now become addicted. Once you’re addicted it’s hard to stop as you can go through a withdrawal very easily without your daily fix; this withdrawal is a feeling called Regret.

Like with drinking, drugs etc. You soak in the “wonderful” feeling it can bring but at the same time you also absorb the poisons that slowly kill you.

The answer to ridding addiction is simple; either stop it before it begins or pull through the withdrawal.

Ironically enough though, it’s the simplest things that can become the most complicated.

Like Love.

You know when you looked back at a situation and you had that sense of regret?

Just know that the regret isn’t from doing or not doing something.

Let’s face it, back then what you did in any situation was what you wanted to do. You could tell yourself thousands of times that it wasn’t but seriously, it was, because you did it in the end.

Your regret does not spring from an action done nor the person the action was directed to but rather towards the person who decided which actions to take.

You.

Well aren’t we the emo bunch? =P

haha just joking, honestly it’d be the better out.

I’d rather die comfortably than live through hell.

A few of you may have noticed that tumblr has been going a bit crazy today and often loads up the dreaded “Error” page but at one time it also did something very strange, it was like tumblr gave us a glimpse of our past on tumblr. It was a strange moment because as I checked my dashboard and looked at my follower counts, liked posts, posts etc. They all dramatically decreased to what they were a few days ago. This reminded me of how once in awhile, I would get a sudden flashback about a point in time back in the past due to a certain event. Tumblr glitching up was the event that gave me a glimpse of what my tumblr used to be like and made me realize that I also wouldn’t have appreciated it as much as I do now at this moment, I wouldn’t have appreciated how far I’ve gone since then.

We can’t remember everything that we’ve done, we just weren’t born that way that’s why we are able to forget most things to make room for the new memories
and experiences that we will encounter in the future.

As a result of this, try thinking to yourself about What you did a week ago today.

Do you remember what your outfit was?

What socks did you wear? Which shirt did you wear?

Do you remember the details of what you did? What conversations you had? Who you met?

If you’re struggling a bit, that’s normal because people do forget these details. They also forget details of themselves, how they’ve changed in terms of their perspectives, beliefs, values etc. Because these details often Overwrite each other; for example, you wouldn’t really think about what you wore to work a few days ago today because that was a few days ago, those clothes are dirty now and you’re going to wear a cleaner outfit anyways. These details are also often overwritten by the bigger picture such as if you were socially awkward before but are now more extroverted, you would remember being socially awkward but you wouldn’t remember all the details on how you got to where you are now.

Due to forgetting the details, we can start to believe that we actually haven’t changed THAT much from our past but really we have, we just don’t remember.

I remember though, to a certain extent, because I want to; I want to see how I’ve grown as a person when I look back at it in the future. So ever since I was little
I wrote in a journal about what went on during the day and recorded the details down. Yet it did get to a point where I went on a hiatus for a few years before going back to it, I wish I hadn’t done that because I’m very interested in reading about those years when I was still in the preteen phase, unfortunately I only have pictures and nothing more.

Do I regret this though?

No because this taught me to keep writing in the journal so that I would never have to wonder about what I did in a certan span of time again.

Reading your journal and looking back on your life is basically reading your life story, where you get to see your own character developement, all the hardships you had to go through and how you triumphed over them and experience any feelings described to the fullest extent because you’ve felt them before.

This story is one of its kind, there are no others like it in this world as it is unique, it is a personalized story, it is your life story. So don’t wait for a flashback to appear, write your own story, that way you can always have a flashback when you want and where you want.

I’ve got my pen and paper.

Now let’s keep on writing.

In every decision that we are faced with there are always 3 choices given but only one is allowed to be picked. One choice favors one party, one choice favors the other and the third choice is to not be involved at all as in choosing to not make a decision but instead leave things the way they are.

The only problem is that because we must side with one of the parties, if both consist of people we value, then we often fear to make any decision incase we upset certain people therefore we choose the third, invisible choice that appears. Though sitting on the fence and not taking a side may work when we enter an argument between two parties to try to mediate them; when we are the ones who need to make a decision, leaving things the way they are or sitting on the fence will not suffice and frankly things usually end up worse if we choose this option.

That was me back in the day, my decision making scheme that you’ve brought to my attention when I recently spent time with you, where I could come face to face with the product that resulted in me choosing to not make a decision and leave things as is. It’s amazing and yet depressing how quickly things can change though, how we went from spending a lot of time together to almost never.

How long has it been since then where we both sat down and immersed ourselves in a conversation?

Awhile it seems, but yet even though we gapped what has happened in each other’s lives we could still find things to talk about. Things that made us smile, things that made us laugh, things that made us remember those days and why we first became friends.

But don’t get me wrong, this is not a sob story begging for pity, this is me going through my thoughts on what I could have done better and what I have learned in the process, this is me facing a regret and moulding it into a more useful form, a Reminder.

A reminder of that one day, the day that I had three choices in front of me and I chose to just leave things the way they are.

Under the sleepless night where fireworks were our source of light.

We watched them in awe, you and I. We sat shoulder to shoulder with a blanket to stay warm, I crossed my left arm so that it would be closer to your right as we laid in the grass. Our hands were close, very close and I knew that without looking but yet they did not touch…. I didn’t let them touch. Why did I hold back instead of holding your hand back then? Why even though I saw how you smiled at me, how you looked at me?

It wasn’t because we didn’t share a connection or else why would I have chosen to sit with you? We did have one, but what held me back was because I was unable to make decisions like I can now. I had the mindset of keeping my “options open” to the point where I didn’t make a decision.

It’s a funny phrase to keep your “options open” as there is a fine line between doing just that and actually using it as an excuse to not make a decision. The latter stems from fear of the consequences of a decision, where in my case the fact that we may not be together further along the road but if I had that in mind already then it means I already thought of the possible relationship to be in a rut and that it would not succeed anyways. We weren’t even in a relationship and I already pictured the future of us not being together, some positive thinking huh?

Now that I think back though, it was because I was very very insecure at that age as I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t actually know what would happen if we got together, how I would be viewed or judged back then because I used to care A LOT about it. I didn’t think though that we could have worked through it together, we could have supported each other and thats actually all I would have wanted.

Unfortunately, I didn’t choose for us to be together because I wasn’t the person I am today. I couldn’t make that decision back then because I had my eyes on the future for too long instead of turning them back to you and to be with you right then and there. And when I actually wanted to make a decision, it was too late already.

Ironically enough though that one of the impacts on my life that made me the person I am today was this memory and you. I learned that I must always make a decision when needed and not sit on the fence to let things work themselves out because things won’t work out the way you want it to. I learned that keeping my eyes in the future will only draw me away from what’s really important right here and now.

We didn’t end up together in a relationship, but we still ended up being together with a part of you in me. A memory we shared that impacted me that put me in the direction to who I am now.

Our paths crossed again and now you’re here, we can’t go back to how things were but we can walk towards how we want things to be.

So lets walk.

Together.