In every decision that we are faced with there are always 3 choices given but only one is allowed to be picked. One choice favors one party, one choice favors the other and the third choice is to not be involved at all as in choosing to not make a decision but instead leave things the way they are.
The only problem is that because we must side with one of the parties, if both consist of people we value, then we often fear to make any decision incase we upset certain people therefore we choose the third, invisible choice that appears. Though sitting on the fence and not taking a side may work when we enter an argument between two parties to try to mediate them; when we are the ones who need to make a decision, leaving things the way they are or sitting on the fence will not suffice and frankly things usually end up worse if we choose this option.
That was me back in the day, my decision making scheme that you’ve brought to my attention when I recently spent time with you, where I could come face to face with the product that resulted in me choosing to not make a decision and leave things as is. It’s amazing and yet depressing how quickly things can change though, how we went from spending a lot of time together to almost never.
How long has it been since then where we both sat down and immersed ourselves in a conversation?
Awhile it seems, but yet even though we gapped what has happened in each other’s lives we could still find things to talk about. Things that made us smile, things that made us laugh, things that made us remember those days and why we first became friends.
But don’t get me wrong, this is not a sob story begging for pity, this is me going through my thoughts on what I could have done better and what I have learned in the process, this is me facing a regret and moulding it into a more useful form, a Reminder.
A reminder of that one day, the day that I had three choices in front of me and I chose to just leave things the way they are.
Under the sleepless night where fireworks were our source of light.
We watched them in awe, you and I. We sat shoulder to shoulder with a blanket to stay warm, I crossed my left arm so that it would be closer to your right as we laid in the grass. Our hands were close, very close and I knew that without looking but yet they did not touch…. I didn’t let them touch. Why did I hold back instead of holding your hand back then? Why even though I saw how you smiled at me, how you looked at me?
It wasn’t because we didn’t share a connection or else why would I have chosen to sit with you? We did have one, but what held me back was because I was unable to make decisions like I can now. I had the mindset of keeping my “options open” to the point where I didn’t make a decision.
It’s a funny phrase to keep your “options open” as there is a fine line between doing just that and actually using it as an excuse to not make a decision. The latter stems from fear of the consequences of a decision, where in my case the fact that we may not be together further along the road but if I had that in mind already then it means I already thought of the possible relationship to be in a rut and that it would not succeed anyways. We weren’t even in a relationship and I already pictured the future of us not being together, some positive thinking huh?
Now that I think back though, it was because I was very very insecure at that age as I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t actually know what would happen if we got together, how I would be viewed or judged back then because I used to care A LOT about it. I didn’t think though that we could have worked through it together, we could have supported each other and thats actually all I would have wanted.
Unfortunately, I didn’t choose for us to be together because I wasn’t the person I am today. I couldn’t make that decision back then because I had my eyes on the future for too long instead of turning them back to you and to be with you right then and there. And when I actually wanted to make a decision, it was too late already.
Ironically enough though that one of the impacts on my life that made me the person I am today was this memory and you. I learned that I must always make a decision when needed and not sit on the fence to let things work themselves out because things won’t work out the way you want it to. I learned that keeping my eyes in the future will only draw me away from what’s really important right here and now.
We didn’t end up together in a relationship, but we still ended up being together with a part of you in me. A memory we shared that impacted me that put me in the direction to who I am now.
Our paths crossed again and now you’re here, we can’t go back to how things were but we can walk towards how we want things to be.
So lets walk.