What is truth and what are lies?    

How do we know something to be true and something to be false?    

Do we gauge what we find as truths as things that we believe in or things that the majority believes in?    

Is there a such thing as ”Truth” or is it all just a perspective?

Like any person who has feelings, I want to feel Love.

No, I didn’t say feel “Loved” (past tense), I want to feel LOVE. I want to recieve it, I want to share it and I want to embrace it from this moment onwards.  But before I can have it, I must give it.

Little by little I give it out to anyone, strangers and all in all the different ways that I can. Whether it be a smile, a “how’s your day going?” or just a nice conversation. No judgement, no distance, just Love for another human being.

Sure, I know not everyone will accept it but that’s fine because I did what I wanted. I presented the Love to them as a gift, it was up to them in the end if they want to receive it or not.

If their choice was no, then that’s fine, we weren’t on the same page but I know that there are people who also want to feel Love and I will run into them along my way….. unless they run into me first.

Give Love and Feel Love.

In the game Vampire: The Masquerade Bloodlines I used to not be so interested in the Malkavian Clan of Vampires though now I’ve begun to change my view. What interested me in them was that the clan could be summed up with just one word; Lunatics. However there’s more of a connection between humans and this clan than anyother in the game…

Every Vampire in the Malkavian Clan is incurably insane because of the cursed blood that flows through their veins. While they may look “normal”, inside their minds rage various derangements ranging from (but not limited to) Split-Personalities and Schizophrenia to Paranoia. Of course, we see this as being a problem as many of us do not have a Split-Personality nor Schizophrenia, HOWEVER, Paranoia is something we all share(d) and experience(d).

Malkavian’s have an amazing sense of insight, however sometimes it is less of an asset and more of a liability as this “insight” into a person’s motives or a situation can cause huge misunderstandings leading into Paranoia and overwhelming Insecurity. 

Yet this is something that everyone can feel when they dwell too long on a thought in their minds as most of the time we tend to blow things out of proportion when we think about it for far too long, especially our insecurities. Everyone is insecure at some point and how badly we let it out of control is just like how insane a Malkavian can become.

Out of all the Clans in the game, Malkavians at the core are very much like normal everyday humans as both are not Perfect and suffer from Insecurities.

I was recently presented with a situation that made me want to turn back time and redo it all in an attempt to reach “Perfection”.

I started to become consumed with the idea that “If I had a second chance to do it, it would be perfect” as well as “How was I so stupid to not realize that I could have made it even more perfect”?

Well, if I was the Prince of Persia then maybe I’d have a chance at changing the past but since I’m not, I’m going to have to deal with it. Luckily enough though, as quick as those thoughts came into my mind, they left just as quickly.

I let it go with no fuss.

I did it so easily not because I didn’t care about what I did but rather because I’ve grown from who I was before. Back in the day I would’ve been so consumed with the thought of “if only I had a second chance then I’d do it perfectly” but now I see that I’m not perfect.

I’m not perfect so I can’t achieve “perfect” results, there will always be something that I will tell myself I could get better at and that’s fine; it just means that I’ll continue growing indefinitely.

You’ve lived up to this point holding in the notion that there is “one thing” that you’ve always wanted but have been unsuccessful in obtaining. You hold it in the back of your mind as a dream that you’d like to have, but then a dream is just a dream nonetheless and not a reality.

Maybe its impossible for me…. 

This thought may have crossed your mind once…. or twice…

But you still keep going, you don’t succumb to those words, however, you still get the same results again and again. No success. And yet you still keep going no matter what, even if the notion of “impossibility” flashes brighter than before.

They then say “you’re insane” and you may think “you’re insane”.

And then finally, you get what you’ve always wanted. You’ve reached your goal, you’ve grasped your dream…and from that point on.. after obtaining what you thought was impossible…

Nothing feels impossible anymore.

Maybe because its me, but when I walk through the halls of the University I notice many attractive women walking around.

Thing is though, it is their LOOKS that really catches your attention first but it should be HER at the core that makes you want to be with her. If looks is all you care about then you’ll never stop searching and you’ll never be happy, in the long term at least…

There will always be someone hotter and someone more attractive on the outside.

But if you fall for HER, whatever is on the inside, then your search will end because there is only ONE of her.

It’s their look that catches your attention but it’s their core that keeps it.

So find one that keeps it.

Now unless you’ve been living away from all human life in isolation, there must have been a time when someone has frustrated the hell out of you. There are countless reasons as to why that person has but one that winds up very common is the fact that “common sense” is not very common.

Whichever way(s) you’ve been living your life and whatever event(s) that have influenced your life all add up to creating the person you are today including (but not limited to) the way you act and think in certain situations. However, to become who we are, our behaviors and personalities had to be learned and crafted. Where in the end it created an identity.

An identity which can standalone from everyone else. However because they are standalone, frustrations can occur very easily as ideas may clash when two very different identities engage in a confrontation. While we are frustrated by why this person is not on the same page as us, we forget that they are not us as they haven’t been through the same experiences that we have and vice versa.

Now, I’m not saying that we have to be the same in order to remove frustrations of one another. I’m saying that experiencing it is normal since everyone has had different influences throughout their lives. And while frustration due to differences is problematic; attempting to conform into being clones is detrimental, as seen in human history.

Receiving continuous texts throughout the day even when I haven’t replied to prompt them. Feeling the phone vibrate in my pocket after one is received, feeling the annoyance when I flip up the phone and see that it’s the same person….again.

Through this experience, it showed me how she might have felt when he did the same thing back then.

No wonder it drove her up the wall.

No wonder it destroyed her image of him.

I feel it now and I’ve come to the same conclusion:

It’s Fucking Annoying.

You know when you looked back at a situation and you had that sense of regret?

Just know that the regret isn’t from doing or not doing something.

Let’s face it, back then what you did in any situation was what you wanted to do. You could tell yourself thousands of times that it wasn’t but seriously, it was, because you did it in the end.

Your regret does not spring from an action done nor the person the action was directed to but rather towards the person who decided which actions to take.

You.

Hmmm…concerning my first love sounds quite vague, so I’ll take it in the direction that I want.

It was back in kindergarten and one night I had a dream solely about this one girl in my class, of course being that young and unsure of what love really was, I assumed that if my dream was focused solely on her then it must mean that I have some sort of attraction to her, some sort of fascination. So in a sense, she became my “First Love”, but then obviously it didn’t go very far and like how vague this question is, I vaguely remember her at all now.

My first kiss? Wasn’t as special as the way the media or society hyped it up as.

Then again, maybe it’s because it wasn’t given to a girl I completely loved. In hindsight though it was quite ironic that my first kiss was to a girl I liked back in Elementary School but back then we didn’t get close to kissing and now that we were older, she wasn’t the one I had any feelings for but yet we kissed.

It’s funny how the first time we do some things, they don’t turn out the way we’d think they would.

This was my first love and my first kiss, in a nutshell.

Yesterday my grandmother was on her way downtown by taking the transit, when she was about to switch busses her right knee locked up and projected pain throughout her body. Unable to walk even the slightest, she forfeits trying to get to her destination by calling for me to pick her up.

I arrive only to see her standing beside the superstore with no tell tale signs of what had happened. When I went beside her as her support, she struggles to walk on the concrete as her right leg could not bend like usual anymore.

What to do?

Trying to walk her across the parking lot with heavy traffic would be too slow and driving the car to where she was would be a problem with all the cars in the way.

How about I piggy back her to my car?

Sure, I know I can do it.

But her carry on luggage was with her as well and I know that if I tried to carry her and the luggage, there’s a chance I may lose balance or not be able to hold onto her enough and as a result risk even more injury to occur. So I take the luggage and just put it up in plain view by the wall; I would come back for it after she was at my car and since it wasn’t such a far walk (for me anyways), anyone trying to take it would be chased down.

Yet my grandma thinks otherwise. Throughout the few minutes I carried her, she was very afraid that someone will steal her luggage. Not afraid of her knee being twisted, not afraid that I was carrying her and not afraid of being unable to walk properly anymore but instead afraid for the security of her luggage which she used to carry a few copies of newspaper….

It leaves me to wonder about the attachment people have with replaceable material objects. The loss of a few copies of daily newspaper will not incur a hefty penalty on our part nor will the loss of a luggage bag but perhaps its the emotional attachement to her bag (that dominated) as she’s always had it ever since I was little.

No matter the attachement, it still bothers me that something of material value (of which can be replaced no doubt) takes precedence over the well being of a person’s body. If your knee is shattered, its not like you can just go out and buy a new one, you’re not a robot with spare parts; you are a human being and every part of your bodies is as unique as the mind using them.

I guess being unique is true, that she’s unique enough to give her luggage a higher priority over her injured knee.

Is this because she’s no longer scared of the knee since I am here? Or Because Materialism is at work?

I don’t know about her but all I know is that my life takes precedence over any material object if it obstructs me from being able to live, only two words apply in this case:

It Leaves.