I was reading an interview done with a role model of mine and it got me thinking about being anonymous. This thought came into my mind because the other interviews I read before today, she had always talked about how she’s doing her best to live a normal life and how she wishes to have Anonymity. Today’s interview was no different.

Now within everything that makes up my “life”, I feel that I am well known to a certain extent. However, even if I feel that I am known within a network of people at school and in this city, the reality of it is that there is a bigger world out there.

This bigger world extends beyond the walls of my school, beyond the limits of the city I live in. And in this bigger world, they could care less about who I am and what I do.

In this bigger world I have Anonymity, the one thing that my role model actively pursues.

Interesting how me being the one looking up to her, I have what she wants the most…Funny how things work in this world.

It feels like its been a little while since I last wrote on tumblr, part of it was because I found some other interests to take part in while the other part was that started to do some Reflection upon things.

It lasted a couple days and were filled with moments that made me think about what has been going on in my life.

What spurred this sudden reflection upon things?

My age, my job, my school, my relationships with other people, my interests; Everything.

It all made me think about what was happening now and made me wonder if I was happy with it.

Is this where I want to be or did I want to be further along?

Am I going to grab hold of the handle on my life or am I going to let it coast by?

Questions that I thought I answered had suddenly shown up again.

And so I answered them. Again.

Watching the intense beginning of “Saving Private Ryan” with my brother triggered something in my mind. There were guns blazing, explosions… everything and then it started showing all the soldiers dying and being mutilated; blood, gore and guts were everywhere. That’s when I thought This is Ridiculous! because there’s no way that’s as real as it was…

But then who am I to say?

Was I there in 1944? No.

Did I ever fight in a war? No.

I thought it was ridiculous because we’ve all seen those movies where they take blood and gore just off the scale. But then I have to realize that this isn’t one of those movies, blood and gore is not its selling point.

This movie gives us a glimpse of one of the greatest wars to ever surround our planet.

War is not pretty and no matter how brainwashed we are to think that it is as well as fun, a serious reality check is needed. While this movie may or may not have portrayed the war perfectly, it doesn’t matter, because it didn’t try to give the impression that War was something you’d want to be a part of.

Instead, it gave the viewer a look at what War is like, at least as much of it as they could without dragging the viewer into a war zone.

Seeing people’s arms and legs being blown off along with copious amounts of blood? Yeah that seems ridiculous because you’d never thought it could happen but think of it this way, if you’ve ever been in a car crash, before it happened you never thought it could happen to you did you?

What if you thought of WAR the same way and how “pretty” it is?

Oh what a surprise you’d be in for if you’d ever had to go into one. So regardless of all the war games out there, I’ll still enjoy them as much as I can but I’ll never wish to be a part of them; no matter how glamorous it may seem in video games and victory stories.

Out of the five senses, we rely on Sight the most. We use it to confirm things to ourselves and navigate our world. While we believe that “what you see is what you get”, it’s never like that 100% because what you see in your reality can be misleading.

But how would you know the difference if you’ve always seen the world like that?

Well you wouldn’t, because you’ve lived up to this point with that perception of the world and what it means to you. If someone told you that it was fake or wrong, you wouldn’t accept it at all but you may start to see “what the world is really like” as in seeing things that challenge your point of view and way of life.

Your perceptions may or may not change; you can dismiss those things that challenge your views or you can learn to accept them.

Either way though, we’ll always choose what we want to see and what we don’t want to see.

Well there are many things that I believe in so I’ll only name off a few.

I Believe….

• That having a positive outlook on life or just positive energy flowing through your body is the best way to enjoy anything to the fullest.

• I’m not a church going man; I never was. I just believe that there is something out there that is larger than us. I have faith that whatever it is, it is connected to each and every one of us and it is the source of miracles as well as the granter of wishes.

• That maybe there is a heaven and a hell out there but the reality is that you can make your own heaven right now as well as your own hell.

• That so long as you are happy, you don’t need to be the richest person on the planet, you don’t need much more than what you can already enjoy otherwise you get obsessed with basing your happiness on only what you buy.

• That there is Abundance.

• That when one door closes another one opens, it’s just accepting the fact that the one door is closed is unfortunate but you have to move on.

• That when you show your appreciation towards someone, genuine appreciation, then they will always remember you.

• That you can always hope for anything but you can’t expect anything and even if you do, you should always have low expectations.

• That so long as you do something you enjoy, so long as you pursue your passion, you will be happy.

I Believe that I’m a Believer.

Had a dream that I was watching “Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows” but the funny thing is…. I haven’t even watched it yet.

But anyways, in this dream I was viewing everything through the camera shooting the film.

A golden prairie stretched before me covered in rolling hills. A top one hill was a watering tower and a well.

Harry stumbles up the hill badly wounded, gripping his side. Blood dripped from his forehead and dirt stained his body.

As he stumbles, right behind him is this creature resembling a spider crab covered in spikes but only the lower half of the body was the creature; the upper half it was connected to…..

Was the torso of Voldemort, who’s hands were now Claws as he swung them back and forth trying to crush Harry.

Every time he missed,  dirt would fly into the air and the ground would shake.

Finally, as Harry reached the top of the hill, Voldemort takes one last swing at Harry. He misses but hits the ground close to Harry’s feet and  the impact knocks Harry to the ground, rolling cross the top of the hill.

Exhausted, Harry lays on his back staring up into the clear blue sky.

(Now Viewing things from Harry’s Eyes)

The sunlight beams across his body, the clear blue sky above and then…. the ground shakes as something large is headed in his direction.

It comes into view as it blocks the sun from his eyes.

 Voldemort in his monstrous body stands beside him, staring down at Harry, smiling…..

And then that was the end of the dream.

You know when you’re in school or at work, there are just some days where you just wish you could spend the whole day doing absolutely nothing. You can sit on the couch, flip on the TV and watch your favorite shows, movies or even play some games to pass the time. A day where you can just be as Lazy as you want; a “Lazy Day” like in Bruno Mars’ song.

But when you finally get into doing that for a whole day, was it much better than you thought?

Was the grass greener on the other side?

Maybe…not as I’ve recently experienced. Since it was more like the work of my expectations that made me think it is greener on the other side as you’d tend to think that anything else other than the situation you are in at the moment is always better.

Now if I didn’t have expectations on what the day was going to be like perhaps I’d feel different.

Correction, if I lowered my expectations things would have been better. Since “a Mathematical Formula for Happiness is: Reality divided by Expectations. There are two ways to be happy, either improve your Reality or lower your expectations.” (Jodi Picoult)

Either have low expectations or have none at all, that way you’ll never be disappointed and the grass will always be greener.

Why is it that when we dream at night and we get closer to “the best part” of the dream, we tend to wake up?

It could be that your subconscious actually doesn’t know what to do to complete the dream so instead it gives you the feeling that the best part is coming up, thus leading you on when really there is no best part as it didn’t know how to create it in the beginning.

Or.

It’s your subconsciousness giving you a taste of what you can obtain. It’s teasing you and it’s testing you to see if you really want that thing bad enough. It’s saying “here is a situation that can happen but it’s up to you to go for what you want”, and in the end receive the reward that you wanted.

Or simply,

it’s just because the god-damn Alarm Clock started ringing.

But one thing is for sure though; bringing what you want into reality and obtaining it feels much better than obtaining it in your dream.

I am guilty of doing this in the past and now from time to time.

I only hear what I want to hear and only see what I want to see. Sure it seems great, it makes me feel great but then I wind up getting into my head after I do it.

Getting into my head and creating projections of expectations on how I want things to turn out or how they should turn out due to what I selectively picked up along the way.

It’s disgusting and it’s an ugly trait because when that happens, I know I’m not fully listening to what a person has to say right then in that moment. I’m too focused on what I want to hear and I know we’re all a little guilty of this from time to time, some more than others.

And it stems from the massive ball of expectations that we create as we get more and more into our heads. So once that ball gets rolling, everything starts to go down the drain, our emotions, our actions, everything and there’s no stopping it until it hits something bigger; like reality.

Reality is what’s going on in that moment, Reality can’t be planned out step by step flawlessly as Reality is unpredictable, therefore Expectations can’t exist. They can only exist in your mind.

Get out of your head, get away from your expectations and then you’ll see what’s actually happening rather than what you think is happening.

Driving home in the midst of Winter, the road shows how people only abide by laws when it is convenient for avoiding a problem. What I mean is that as you’re driving, you see the patches of road that has been driven on by a lot of cars, because there’s no snow covering these patches you are able to see where you are in relations to the lines on the road.

You may be driving on the right side of your lane or you could be driving on top of the lane dividers. Yet no one really cares so long as they are still able to get to where they want with the least amount of problems. Because if they were to divulge out of the beaten down snow and onto where they are “supposed” to be driving normally then they would either wind up being caught in a snow bank, swerving out of control or risk getting hit by another car. Thus there would be problems that’d hinder them getting to where they want.

As such we break the law to a certain extent. A certain extent because we still follow the street lights and most rules of the road. But we break the law in relations to where on the road we are driving on as the beaten down snow may not coincide with the “right” side of the lanes.

The reality of it?

Everyone breaks the law to a certain extent when the law causes more problems than it solves.

But we knew that already right?

Yeah… It’s Unfortunate.

I sleep under the warmth of my blanket.

Its comforting embrace caresses my body, allowing my mind to wander. It travels to the most exotic locations, the places of fantasy and the places where laws do not exist.

It is freedom, it is beautiful.

And then…. it rings.

I’m pulled away but my eyes are still closed.

I reach out to grab hold of anything, anything at all; an image, a sound or a color before I must leave.

But every time I do, the annoying tap dance of my phone pulls it away like a vacuum cleaner on a rampage. With every tap and every buzz, it disappears until there is nothing left.

Wrong.

Not everything is gone because the memory still exists. No, I don’t remember the sounds I heard, nor the images I saw but I remember the feeling.

As long as I remember, I know I’ll get there again. Its like after going on a vacation to a distant land, if there are no pictures nor souvenirs then we will only vaguely remember what it was like. It will feel like a dream.

I want it to be reality, so I open my eyes to take my leave but not before I take my souvenir. 

My detail, my memory; all I need is one and one is enough to help me remember the great feeling that way I can have it again.